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The Ancient World
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Salmon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Medieval History
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Early Modern History Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is chiefly notable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the them song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. In her reclining years, she died. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
American History
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. In the winter of 1620 many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing their balls over stone walls. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand!" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people have the right to bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. The Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher them. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave
rise to Hitler. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Hitler
remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded
everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was
dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wiped out in two
world wars, and their forlorn families were left to pick up the peaces.
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The
inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The
Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian,
Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother
of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
Eventually,
the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they
never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests
wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Caesar expired with
these immortal words upon his dying lips: "Tee-hee, Brutus!"
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
Then
came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred
conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
The
greatest writer of the Renaissance was William J. Shakespeare.
Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of what he
wrote. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's plays, Lady Macbeth tries
to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet.
Bach was the most famous composer
in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian,
and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though
he was deaf. He was so deaf his music was very loud. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
During
the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus discovered America
while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were named the Nina, the
Pinta Colada, and the Santa Fe. Columbus put the American flag in the
ground. Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. Its full name is
the Tarzan Stripes.
America
was founded by four fathers. Delegates from the original 13 states
formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence, which says that all
men are cremated equal.
Abraham
Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his very own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."